My goal is to publish a self development non-fiction book in 2016. The working title is Love Lost, Life Found and is a journey of how I left a toxic relationship, learned to love myself again and find a life that I love. The book is party story & part actionable steps I took to start healing my life. I want to start sharing parts of chapters so I can get your honest feedback. Leave me a comment or send me an email through the contact form (found in the top menu). Tell me what you think about the topic and how it can be improved or what should be added. It will be hard to know how it fits into the overall picture but thank you for joining me in the editing process. This chapter below needs input from a psychologist or other experts so my next step will be to ask for their expertise.
My Brain Was Conditioned To Think I Needed A Story
I believe to some degree I allowed the tough chapter to happen in my life. During therapy sessions 2 years after calling off my wedding and leaving a relationship that was hurting me I had an aha moment. I had experienced something so positive in my life in my teenage years but I believe it created a subconscious thought that I needed to have a tough storm in my life to be able to be more relatable and impact the world.
I grew up in a wonderful Christian Baptist Church. To this day I consider it a wonderful home. Some of the ladies in my mom’s Bible studies or church choir were/are second mom’s to me. They were always there to listen and to encourage. The better part of my childhood was spent in the church youth group. I was fortunate enough to get to know two different youth pastor’s who had a great impact on my life. Looking back I realize that this group created subconscious thoughts within me that would impact how I would choose to be in relationships in the future. I’m not faulting the church or my youth groups in the least. I am simply acknowledging how it impacted and shaped my life as an impressionable young woman.
I remember distinctly one night listening to someone’s testimony at a Baptism event. He shared how he had overcome drug and alcohol addiction and he was led to a life with Christ. These words were so beautiful and they really touched me. But as the goody two shoes who had never gotten drunk or tried drugs, I couldn’t relate. His story was impacting people who realized they could turn their life around. He had so many young people surround him after the service to talk and ask him questions. I started thinking in that very moment. Did I need bad in my life to be able to impact someone’s else life? Over the years my faith has always been there but I don’t overtly witness to others about being a Christian. I’ve always taken the stance that when someone looks at my life, if they were to find out that I am a Christian I would hope that they say I can see she leads her life in a Christian way. I believe I subconsciously decided that no one would look up to me if I led just a good life. That I would need to make mistakes and then turn my life around. I realize now looking back that I invited and allowed bad drama into my life to see if I could pull myself out and create a story. If I had a story then I could be more motivational and more inspirational. Even in therapy I struggled about not writing this book because then it would seem that this was finally the culmination of me telling my story that I allowed myself to go through.
I cannot change my path or what lead me to this point in time. I cannot change how my subconscious thoughts impacted my conscious thoughts. I can only educate myself and recognize what happened in my subconscious to see how I allowed my thoughts to become reality.
My goal with this book is to continue to heal myself and hopefully help one other young impressionable girl to know that they don’t need a bad chapter in their life to inspire change in the world.