I got an intuitive hit that I needed to write this blog post for my healing. This post is for myself first and foremost as I use writing as therapy. And maybe this might help someone else struggling with a similar situation.
Dear Former Friend,
We met at a time in my life when I so dearly needed you and you were everything to me. You were fun, you understood me, you listened to me, you shared your life with me and I genuinely fell in love with our friendship.
I remember our endless WhatsApp conversations, our voice notes, our video notes, our Facetime dates and in real-life hangouts.
I remember you visiting me in Toronto, our trips to Tofino, and our yoga retreat in Mallorca.
I remember “proposing to you” to ask you to be my maid of honour.
And I remember our wedding with you by my side as I married the love of my life.
I also remember the months leading up to our “friendship break up”. I remember the unreturned messages, the avoidance and the ignoring.
And then I remember the ghosting.
The complete and utter abandonment. Without a reason and without closure.
It’s been one of the most painful things I’ve gone through in relationships in my life. And I’ve called off a wedding and left a toxic relationship.
I’ve been broken up with before. I’ve had friendships dissolve away but none have hurt like this has and continues to do so.
Did I love you more than you cared for me?
Were you at a point in your life where it was painful to be around my happiness?
Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong?
Maybe I didn’t do anything.
I just wish I knew.
I remember the day in November when I told you I was pursuing a job on Vancouver Island. The place where you live! I remember flying out for an interview, it going well, signing a job contract and messaging you that I took the job and that I was moving. I was moving a little over 2 hours away from you.
I remember you didn’t respond.
I remember landing on Vancouver Island and messaging you again.
I remember you didn’t respond.
I remember texting you that I was pregnant, with twins. Hoping, just hoping that you might resurface and be there for me. That our friendship would pick back up without skipping a beat.
I remember you didn’t respond.
And then the day the twins were born into the world. You messaged my husband. My husband! And he told me you messaged HIM to say “congratulations”. Like what the actual f*ck.
I have journaled.
I have written you letters, that have gone unmailed.
I have written you texts, that have gone unsent.
I have no closure and it’s eating me up inside.
I don’t understand why you chose to leave our friendship. I have tried to make sense of it. I have tried to guess why you left but that just creates assumptions which aren’t fair to you or me. I felt abandoned. I was abandoned. I thought you’d be excited I was moving out to your neck of the woods.
When people ask if all my bridesmaids are still in my life, I get a knot in my stomach. I’ve had to take pictures off our wall from our wedding with you in them.
I have taken the time to focus on the friendships that are in my life but you continue to haunt me.
I should’ve clued in that something was off when you told me you couldn’t come to our wedding or be my maid of honour. I should’ve let you go at that point. But instead, I offered to pay for you to fly out here and then proceeded to watch you be so preoccupied with a guy the whole time that you weren’t even present for that day.
I should’ve clued in that our friendship was one-sided when it involved you coming to visit me in Toronto but the main reason was for a photoshoot and you just got a free place to stay with me. I should’ve clued in that I was the one travelling out to Tofino twice just so I could see you. And I should’ve clued in that when you invited me on the yoga retreat you just thought it would be nice to know someone else on that trip. I should’ve clued in when I had to beg for a hug at the dōTERRA convention and barely got one.
I didn’t realize until after you left how selfish you had been in your friendship with me. And now I question all the moments and whether or not they were real or true or if I was just making up the friendship.
I wish I had the guts to ask you what happened. Why did you leave?
One day in therapy, my therapist asked me “What relationships do you want to heal?” and of course, you came to mind. And then she followed it up with “How would you feel if they passed away?” and I was gutted.
I don’t know if God is protecting me from the pain of the answer. But I’m already in so much pain from the lost friendship I think I’d really like the closure.
I need to call my energy back. I can’t keep having you pop into my brain and obsess over what happened. I need to cut the chord. I really need some sort of closure.
Maybe I’ll send you this post.
Maybe I won’t.
Maybe I need to cherish the memories that we had. Maybe I need to move on because it’s not about me.
Maybe I’ll never know.
Maybe I’ll know one day.